It is late and I really should be in bed, but instead I'm sitting here to hopefully give my thoughts an opportunity to escape. On nights like this I seem to be held prisoner by thoughts that lead to other thoughts...then other thoughts...and so on. Sleep will come easier when my mind is not so full.
Today I cut Colton's hair. I know-it really shouldn't be a big deal. But to me it is. It's like the final admission that he's not a little baby anymore. (Now, I didn't say these thoughts would be logical, or reasonable). I managed to put it off for awhile with the excuse that the hair cutting scissors were lost. New scissors were purchased several weeks ago. They taunted me from my bathroom counter. I put them into the back of a drawer, trying to drown out the irrational arguments they started in my head. But his hair was getting so long...I know certain family members put great effort into biting their tongues (thank you for bearing with my oddities). Mentally preparing myself, I've been saying out loud for weeks "we really need to cut your hair!".
This morning I just took a deep breath, walked into the bathroom, and did it. Cut his beautiful golden red locks right off. Watched them fall lifeless onto the bathroom counter, saying "I told you so!". And they were right. He looks bigger, older, a handsome little boy, only not so little.
I thought I would shed a few tears, but surprisingly enough, I was okay. But tonight the emotion comes-- the realization that I won't fight this inner battle many more times. Maybe only once or twice. And then the tears do begin to form, because it's all going so fast. How could my years having babies be that close to an end? I remember when Braelyn was born laying on the delivery table and saying "I can't wait to do this again". I love this part of my life. I am grateful everyday to my Father in Heaven for letting me be a mother, letting this dream come true. I know that I am extremely blessed.
I will be okay.
I feel a little better already.
He is still beautiful.
And he is still my baby.
8 comments:
I never understood why you would always say, "How am I ever going to be done having babies?" Now I definitely know. I ask myself that about 10 times a day, every time I look at Soren's face. Today I put him in the highchair for the first time. He doesn't have a walker, so this was the first time he's really been sitting anywhere upright on his own. And he looked so big! Right then I thought, where is my baby? I feel like every day I have really tried to enjoy Soren because I knew it would go so fast. But seeing him today, I still look back and think it's gone too fast. I'm gonna need another one soon. :)
By the way, I can't wait to see Colton...less than one month away. I am sure he looks so handsome with his haircut!
Amy
I believe I hold and love on each baby more because I realize that time passes too quickly. There is just nothing like the addicting smell and feel of a baby!
That was so sweet and touching. You are an awesome mother. Thank you for sharing. Hugs, Bobbi Jo
I didn't post any comments when you lived next door, but now that you're farther away I thought I could post comments.
i can't wait to see pics of this handsome little boy!!
You are definitely one mama who makes some pretty amazing babies! Who would ever want to give that up?
I can remember those very feelings, dreading the day I can no longer give birth, but, as it's part of our Heavenly Father's plan that we go through these different stages, we're blessed to go on and enjoy the next phase of our life. I can tell you that I still feel as much a mother now with adult children as I did with my babies, and I truly enjoy the relationships I have with them all. But yes, they are still my babies in my mind, and always will be. We're mothers forever!
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