Open Blog Friday

In the style of radio show talk hosts that have Open Line Fridays where folks can call in and talk about whatever they want, I need an Open Blog Friday where I can record the smattering of thoughts in my head.  Not that I fancy myself some popular "Blog Host" or anything of the sort, I just like the idea. 

** Thought #1

Yesterday afternoon I found a comment on my post from a mrs.dph.  Doesn't that sound fabulously distinguished?  Straight out of some murder mystery or something.  Then the comment said "Hi from Kansas" and I'm wondering, has someone outside the circle of people who are required to love me and read my blog, actually seen my blog?  And then I get to the bottom of the comment and it is signed "Tracie".  My brain starts connecting the dots and I realize that even better than someone I don't know finding my blog, it is someone I KNOW and LOVE!  Tracie, it was so great to hear from you.  Please tell me you have a blog where I can keep up with you and your beautiful children.  Oh- and someone with five kids should never preface that statement with "only".  

**Thought #2

I realized that it may have been slightly tacky for me to enter Jessica's giveaway and lessen her chances of winning.  Especially when she was gracious enough to say that I was more deserving than her.  Not hardly.  Her husband has been a student for nigh unto eternity, and should I win, it's her early birthday present.

**Thought #3

I had a dream that I had a tummy tuck.  What a great dream.  In my dream, I wasn't even in pain afterwards.  Sadly I woke up with the same stomach that has been stretched beyond capacity eight times.  

**Thought #4

My sister in law Jessica had a baby this morning.  She had Amy there with her as her doula, and was able to have a beautiful natural birth.  A twinge of jealousy I must admit to.  There is nothing more beautiful or sacred.  I love everything about it.  And of course, thinking of her and all that she is experiencing, I couldn't help but feel a small sadness reflecting on how I missed out on all of that with Colton.   All of the concentration and focus to give this little baby the best entrance into the world possible, hearing their first cry, discovering the perfectness of every inch of them, the moment when you are all alone with them for the first time and you can whisper all of your hopes and dreams for them.  The bonding of nursing, bathing them for the first time, the quiet middle of the night feedings when the house is peaceful, kissing and snuggling together, scooping them out of their beds to calm their whimperings, falling asleep together.  Instead of that, Colton and I had this:

I was completely out for his delivery, as other surgeries were to start immediately afterwards. I didn't lay eyes on him for 2 1/2 days, although the sweet nurses taking care of him took pictures and sent them over to me.  I saw him a total of 4 hours the first week of his life.  Jody had to place him on my chest and with great care I could get my right arm around him so that I could almost feel like I was holding him.  The day he left the hospital, knowing I had to stay behind, forced me (figuratively) to my knees.  I prayed my way through that day, and Heavenly Father blessed me with the peace that only comes through our Savior and the Comforter. From that moment, I was determined to be home as soon as possible.  I left days earlier than projected by the doctors, and I was so grateful.  And yet, once home, I realized what a long road was ahead.  I could do none of the things that I find so much happiness in.  I couldn't pick him up, I couldn't hold him for very long periods of time, I couldn't rock in a chair with him, I could feed him only once in awhile.  I couldn't dress him, change his diaper, or bathe him.  I couldn't soothe his cries, and couldn't enjoy the solace of nightime feedings, couldn't nurse him.  It is typically months before I leave my babies, and yet immediately after coming home I began the many appointments with surgeons and physical therapy, forcing me to be separated from him.   The heaviness in my heart was unbelievable, but greater still was my gratitude.  I was surrounded by loving family and friends to care for my baby and seven other children, bring meals, do laundry, drive me to appointments, and support Jody and me in every way.   When Jody blessed Colton, the first thing he was told was that he had been preserved by the hand of God.  The last thing that he was blessed with was that he would have a special bond with his mother.  I know that the last part was Heavenly Father's gift to me, an answer to many pleadings, worrying that Colton would know and love me even though  I couldn't care for him in the typical way.  Nearly eight months have passed since that day.  And while this isn't but a small part of my experiences, I wouldn't trade the lessons I have learned and the miracles I witnessed for anything in the world.  Colton and I are madly in love with each other, I am here to be a mother to my children and a wife to my husband, and I know beyond anything that Jesus Christ is real, His promises are sure, and we are never alone.