***Readers discretion is advised. These are the musings of an over-tired, slightly emotional (okay, that could possibly be an understatement), end of the day exhaustion filled mother. Mostly I'm writing this so that I can purge my mind of the thoughts that are hogging all of the space in my brain, not leaving any room for sanity and peace.
Things on my mind:
Have any of my kids practiced their piano even once since their last lesson--because lesson day is upon us.
Is it my job to prepare my son for the school wide spelling bee (because I haven't), or is that just enabling him?
How did I not know that child was getting a D in math? What can I threaten him with?
Can you send in make up homework that was due more than a week ago? And at what point does the teacher start thinking not nice things about that child's mother?
When was the last time I made a really, honest to goodness, nutritious meal?
Where, oh where, has my patience gone???
Is putting my son on medication for ADHD going to help him?
How is his self esteem? I'm worried about him.
I'm worried about all of them.
Are they developing their testimonies?
When will I get all the christmas shopping done.
For that matter, when will I get the grocery shopping done. I mean, Christmas is 23 days away, and breakfast is a mere 9 hours away.
Can I cancel guitar lessons tomorrow? because I haven't heard that instrument practiced all week either. Of course, that probably sends the wrong message. Or should the boy be expected to practice without a reminder? But that seems kind of mean, and expecting a lot. Back and forth I go.
What happened to our schedule? and will it keep itself hidden until January when holidays are over? Part of me wants to scream "Hide! Hide!" The other is begging for it's return.
Is my baby getting enough attention?
Is my other baby getting enough attention?
When will I decorate for Christmas, and how deep will I have to dig to find the desire?
Are they learning to work hard, and love it? (Wait, I know the answer to the last half.)
Have I told my husband how great he is? Or do I just hope that he absorbs the feelings of gratitude that constantly flow from my thoughts.
Does 7 quickly read verses count as family scripture study?
Will I ever not dread bedtime? Have I always dreaded bedtime? Specifically, the getting everybody dressed, brushing those many rows of teeth, family prayer said without wanting to run and hide in my closet (the desire to hide usually occurs while waiting for ten people to kneel down and all be quiet AT THE SAME TIME), patiently listening to every child's "there's one more thing I want to tell you", coaching personal prayers, and of course, the many short distance sprints between the couch and bedroom (can that count as exercise?) responding to calls of "I'm still thirsty" "He's touching me" "He won't stop talking" "I have to go to the bathroom again...(why do beds seem to aggravate this need?)" "He's hiding toys under his pillow" etc.... All of this seems to suck any remaining energy out of all the secret places I've been tucking it away in hopes of having a coherent conversation with my husband after everyone's down.
And yet, now that they are asleep I have the unbelievable urge to kiss each of their beautiful faces, climb under their blankets and snuggle in, feel their heart beats close to mine, and let the awareness of my blessings gently restore my absolute, awe filled devotion to them, to being their mother.
The mother load can be a heavy one, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
If you have been the recipient of this picture attached to any e-mails, let me publicly apologize. Jody takes pictures of everyone he can that has a number saved on his phone so that when they call, their picture shows up. It's really the lazy form of caller ID. This is the photo that shows up when I call. Apparently when Jody hooks up his i-phone to our Mac for updates, etc. the efficient Mac correlates as much info as possible between the two. I was trying to find an e-mail I had sent to somebody tonight and when I located it, I noticed this picture in the top right corner. Mortification! Humiliation! How could this have happened? Was it a one time thing? I frantically began opening other "sent" e-mails. And there it was. On every single one. The one to the realtor. The scout master. The HOA property manger. Our payroll company. What must they think of me? And let's be honest, if I was egotistical enough to attach my picture to all of my e-mails, would I have chosen this one? When Jody got home from ward missionary stuff I showed him the horrifying discovery. He laughed his head off. Some consolation. I'll be spending a lot of time with the Mac tomorrow learning how to keep this from ever, ever happening again! Or at least how to get a better picture on there!
